The Truth About Forgiveness: It's Not About Them
The Truth About Forgiveness: It's Not About Them
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Many people think forgiving someone means you're okay with what happened, or that you're supposed to forget about it and move on like nothing happened. Others think it means you have to keep the person in your life or try to rebuild the relationship.
But real forgiveness isn't about that. It's about you.
Forgiveness is something you choose for your own peace of mind. It's not about the other person. It's not about excusing what they did. And it's definitely not about pretending it didn’t hurt. Forgiveness is about deciding not to carry the weight of anger, resentment, and stress any longer. It’s about giving your body and your nervous system a break from staying on high alert.
At The Flourishing Way, we work with people who carry heavy emotional burdens, sometimes for years. Maybe it's pain from a family member, or from someone who deeply betrayed their trust. Holding on to that pain can affect your health, your mood, your relationships, and your outlook on life. Choosing to forgive is one way to stop letting that pain have the final word.
Forgiveness Isn’t the Same as Reconciliation
You can forgive someone and still not want to be in relationship with them. You can forgive and still have strong boundaries. You don’t have to like the person, trust them again, or invite them back into your life.
Forgiveness is a way of saying, “I don’t want to feel tied to this pain anymore.” That doesn’t mean the pain didn’t happen. It means you’re choosing not to let it define how you move forward. When we hold on to anger and bitterness, our bodies stay in a state of stress. Our thoughts get stuck in loops. Forgiveness helps us calm that response and find more clarity and peace.
What Are The Exact Benefits Of Forgiveness?
Let’s look at how forgiveness can actually support your overall well-being:
• Reduced Levels of Anxiety
Letting go of negative feelings, even little by little, can ease anxiety and help you feel more grounded.
• Better Physical Health
Research, including studies by Tyler VanderWeele at Harvard, has shown that people who practice forgiveness experience fewer stress-related health problems, better sleep, and more stable blood pressure.
• Healthier Relationships
When you’re not carrying resentment from one person, you’re less likely to let it spill into your relationships with others.
• Improved Emotional Regulation
Forgiveness makes space for self-compassion. That helps you respond instead of react, even in difficult moments.
• Increased Life Satisfaction
Releasing the energy you once used to hold a grudge can free you up to focus on the things and people that matter most.
What We've Learned About Forgiveness
Let’s clear up a few things. Forgiveness is not:
Saying what happened was okay
Forgetting or minimizing the harm
Accepting ongoing mistreatment
Rebuilding a relationship when that’s not safe or right for you
Forgiveness is about you deciding how you want to feel going forward. It’s about making space in your life for healing, for rest, and for feeling more like yourself again.
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Final Thoughts
Forgiveness isn’t easy, especially when the pain runs deep. But it is possible. You don’t have to do it all at once. Even just being open to the idea can be a meaningful first step.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by anger and hurt, or unsure how to move forward, therapy can be a helpful space to process your feelings without judgment. You're allowed to want peace. And you’re allowed to take the time you need to get there.