How to ease the transition into single parenting & co-parenting
You and your partner have just split.
You are stressed, worried, and sad about everything that is going to drastically change in your life. Even if the split was long overdue, it is still hard to transition from old routines.
While you are coping with your own transition, it escapes you how on earth you are going to hold it together for your children too. What about all the transitions they have to have in their life?
There are a lot of stressors when navigating a split, and it is not easy, that’s for sure. But a divorce or separation is not the end of the world, and in many cases, it is the best thing you can do for your family.
Single parenting and today's family
The life of a single parent can be very stressful, and today single parent families are increasingly common. It is common to see lots of single parents with their children, navigating everyday life.
Statistics About Children in Single-Parent Families
Nearly 24 million children are currently living in one-parent households, and it is estimated that one in three children are living in a one-parent household in the U.S. Some long lasting demographic changes fueling these stats are marrying earlier, decreasing marriage rates, increased divorce rates, and an uptick in babies whose mother was single. About 3 to 4 million children live in a household without a father, according to 2019 figures.
Potential Impact on Child Development
Many experts view a child’s developmental disruption by looking at the ACE assessment. “An ACE score is a tally of different types of abuse, neglect, and other adverse childhood experiences. A higher score indicates a higher risk for health problems later in life.” Divorce or parent separation, poverty, mental health difficulties, drug use, domestic violence, and more are some of the events that affect a child’s score on the ACE scale.
What Emotional Problems can Single Parents expect in their Children?
Your child may experience a lack of confidence or want more affection. They may never feel satisfied with the amount of attention they get due to a busy schedule. The children may also end up having different expectations about relationships later in life. It's ideal to get mental health support for your child if you are going through a separation. Letting your child talk candidly about their experience is key for curbing some of these problems that arise as well as boosting their well being as they navigate the change.
Helpful Ways to Ease Single Parenting Stress
Raising children alone is difficult as you face multiple challenges. Time, finances, emotional availability can all be difficult and finite resources when navigating single parenting.
While this is an incredibly tough moment not only for you but also your children, there are some things you can do to make it feel a bit more surmountable.
Get support
Other parents, parent groups, therapy. Support is so so valuable. Whether it’s a friend going through something similar or a parents group, don’t be afraid to reach out. Also, seek out family therapy to work through how the co-parenting relationship will work, and add individual therapy for the kids so they can address the transition as well.
Communicate with your coparent so the kid can't "split."
As therapists, we hear it a lot. The child can get away with things at one house and not the other. Kids are smart; they know how to make things work for them. Make sure there is a line of communication between you and your co-parent so you can ensure everything is consistent with the kids.
Keep any beef with the co-parent out of your relationship with your kid.
Remember you’re on the same team as your co-parent; you’re in this together. Do not talk bad about the other parent in front of your children. This can create a riff for your child and makes the split time more confusing and complicated for them. They love both of you, and while it is a difficult moment, try to stay on the same team as your co-parent.
Shared calendar.
Plan times to communicate schedules and plans to help you both stay on the same page and a unified front for you kids.
Provide communication around what is happening, giving your kids information that is important for them to hear.
This doesn’t mean oversharing, but it does mean letting them know how life is going to change and also letting them know that you’re here for them if they need anything. This change doesn’t meant the love you have for them is any different.
Validate children's experience and let them know it is okay they are upset, and that you will always love them.
Listen to your children. Communication is a two-way street. As you share how things are going to be changing, listen to what your children have to say about everything.
Share your feelings and let your children know that you can handle it.
It’s going to be hard, but you will all come out of this alright. Let them know that they do not have to take care of you.
Communication of rules and expectations/consequences should be the same in each household.
Children need a sense of consistency and strong foundation. Make sure this is communicated with the co-parent.
Schedules at both homes should be similar.
From bed time to routines, and the like.
Set Ground Rules
Setting certain basic rules will make raising a child easier.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help when you need it. It can feel alienating to be going through a split. But you are not alone. Reach out to our team to get the support your family needs.
“Don’t be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you’ve been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?”
~Marcus Aurelius
Frequently Asked Questions
Are children of single parents at risk for other serious problems?
Researchers studied children with married parents for more than a decade and never knew they had married parents. However, the children of divorced parents began to struggle at an earlier age.
Are there positives for children raised by a single parent?
All situations involve tradeoffs and are often overlooked. In one popular refrain, the young child from an unmarried mother said he'd like it more if his mother was not busy every day. One of the child’s friends had a parent who was at home and another parent who worked. These parents were hyper-aware about all things, and that hyperawareness created conflict among the parents and children.
Can a single parent become too close to their child?
Yes, but this closeness also affects married people. Sometimes children require emotional support. Usually a parent becomes enmeshed in the child due to a lack of self-worth. So this can happen for married or separated parents. It typically happens when neither parent can define the boundaries of their family, preferring to be best friends, instead of parents.