Divorce or Stay Together: When to call it quits in your relationship
Divorce or Stay Together: When to call it quits in your relationship
You know you feel unhappy in your relationship.
That feeling is nestled deep within your chest and it is not debatable—it’s there. But you feel unsure about whether it's just a phase you are going through in your relationship, or whether you truly do need to move on with your life and call it quits.
You go back and forth between the paradox of staying and going: Am I staying too long, or am I leaving too soon?
You don't want to do either, but you have a lot of inner doubt about what is right for you. Plus, all the external opinions in the community don’t make it any easier to discern what is the best decision for you.
Family and marriage therapists—who have worked with thousands of couples considering divorce—have weighed in, and here's what they say about when to call it quits in your marriage or relationship:
(NOTE: This does not apply to cases of physical and emotional abuse.)
Divorce or stay together?
You can't remember the positive moments.
The negative memories are all that you seem to remember and dwell on, and those memories weigh heavily on you. You have a hard time recalling positive moments where you felt deeply connected to your partner. All that comes to mind is a lot of the bad moments.
You recall when you met each other and the negative feelings don’t let up.
Usually when you go all the way back to how it all started, you remember the butterflies. The happy moments. The synchronicity of how you both met, and it makes you feel warmth and nostalgia. You soften for your partner and tap into the empathy you have for them deep within. The empathy you might’ve lost along the road. The story of how you met takes you back to the emotions that are deeply rooted within you that you feel for your partner. If you both go back to this memory and the anger and resentment don't go away, it may be time to call it quits.
You can no longer access any kindness.
When you love someone, you care about them deeply, but there are life events, turmoil, and resentments that can weigh heavily on that pure bond you share with your partner. When the burdens become so heavy and you find yourself always responding to your partner with anger and resentment, it may be time to call it quits. You nor your partner can be happy when there is a lot of tension and anger.
With any big decision, you have to take a look at yourself first. You have to do a deep dive into what you are experiencing, and it is only from this place that you can then start to see your relationship more objectively. In this place, you can own your part and see the whole more clearly.
Byron Katie, an American speaker and author, found there are four questions that will bring anyone to clarity about themselves or the situation they are in. You can use them to gain clarity for yourself:
Question 1: Is it true?
This question can change your life. Be still and ask yourself if the thought you wrote down is true.
Question 2: Can you absolutely know it’s true?
This is another opportunity to open your mind and to go deeper into the unknown, to find the answers that live beneath what we think we know.
Question 3: How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought?
With this question, you begin to notice internal cause and effect. You can see that when you believe the thought, there is a disturbance that can range from mild discomfort to fear or panic. What do you feel? How do you treat the person (or the situation) you’ve written about, how do you treat yourself, when you believe that thought? Make a list, and be specific.
Question 4: Who would you be without the thought?
Imagine yourself in the presence of that person (or in that situation), without believing the thought. How would your life be different if you didn’t have the ability to even think the stressful thought? How would you feel? Which do you prefer—life with or without the thought? Which feels kinder, more peaceful?
Turn the thought around:
The “turnaround” gives you an opportunity to experience the opposite of what you believe. Once you have found one or more turnarounds to your original statement, you are invited to find at least three specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is true in your life.
Deciding on whether to stay together or get divorced is a hard decision. Marital conflict can be a heavy burden, especially if it is surfacing on a daily basis. However, ignoring the conflict just to have a stable marriage or relationship can bring discomfort and pain.
Relationships can be confusing, but gaining clarity about your part in the conflict and your goals and values moving forward can help you find clarity in your next step, whether that's divorce or staying together.